mother's day.

Mother's Day this year was special because my mom and dad were visiting, so for the first time in years (maybe since the year I told her I was pregnant with Oliver?) I got to spend the morning with my own sweet mama. We invited Jon's parents over for a big brunch and the weather was perfect and we got to take some nice pictures which- unrealistic expectations for my husband to do something out of the ordinary aside- was truly my one Mother's Day wish.

Last week was such an absolute mess that somehow I had over-scheduled and was (unaviodably) late to the Mother's Day Tea at Peyton's nursery school. When I finally did get there, I was so upset that I was shaking-  I was embarrassed about what the other parents thought of me, I couldn't stop thinking about how terrible Peyton must have felt that she was the only one whose mother wasn't there, and worst of all: I missed the kids little singing performance.

Peyton's teacher must have seen that I was beating myself up about the whole thing because after the cakes and tea had been cleaned up, she lined the kids back up and had them sing the songs one more time, "for Peyton's Mommy." Not being there for the first performance, I can't tell you how Peyton sang the first time around, but the responsibility that Peyton seemed to take on with the knowledge that this was for her mommy was absolutely adorable. She sang so loud and with such feeling that I sat there laugh-crying in my seat. 

And Ollie. He spends most of the day asking me to play trains, play cars, watch Thomas, and, because I have to get meals made and messes cleaned up and laundry folded and...I can only say yes a fraction of the time. When I do say yes- "Yeah I want to play trains with you!"- his excitement is so great that it guts me thinking about the disappointment he must feel when I have to say, "Not right now, Bud. I have {blank} to finish..." And yet, every time I do say that I can play with him, he throws his arm around my neck and says, "Mommy. I love you so mash"

About a hundred times a day, I feel like I'm failing as a mother. How can I do everything that needs to be done and still be there for every performance, every minute of playtime, every moment my kids want my attention? And well, I can't. I know that. But I still can't stop beating myself up about it either. 

The thing is, right now anyway, my sweet babes don't seem to hold it against me. The first thing Peyton did when I (finally) showed up at her tea party was not to chastise me for being late but to scream, "Mommy!"while running to give me a squeeze. And when I do have the time to play trains or cars with Ollie, he tells me he loves me (and not that he's sad that we can't play more often...)

I guess I'm just feeling lucky to have such sweet little munchkins who love me for the Mom I am, despite my many shortcomings. They are the reason I get to "participate" in  Mother's Day in the first place. And really, who could want anything more than that?